Every July, the world's greatest cyclists gather to determine who can climb the highest mountains, survive the longest stages, and sprint the fastest after riding 120 miles.

Dogs have always felt the event was unnecessarily complicated.

The Tour de Dogs follows essentially the same rules as professional cycling, with a few important improvements.

The GC contenders are the thinkers. Border collies naturally excel here because they've already spent years developing race strategy while convincing sheep to go places the sheep had absolutely no intention of going.

Their biggest problem is concentration.

A GC contender can spend three weeks carefully protecting a twelve-second lead, only to abandon the peloton because somebody spotted a flock of sheep in the next valley.

The sprinters require less strategy.

Point them toward the finish line and yell:

"SQUIRREL!"

World records follow.

Greyhounds dominate the flat stages, although Dobermans remain formidable competitors—particularly when the race organizers accidentally route the final kilometer past a mail carrier.

Then come the climbers.

Small dogs have a natural advantage in the mountains: very little body weight and absolutely no understanding that something might be too difficult.

They attack relentlessly.

Ten percent grade? Attack.

Fifteen percent? Attack.

Twenty percent?

SOMEONE HOLD MY LEASH.

At the summit, they receive the traditional polka-dot jersey and are immediately lifted into the team car because their legs are only eleven inches long.

Finally, there are the domestiques—the unsung heroes of the Tour.

They fetch water bottles. They protect the team leader from the wind. They chase breakaways. They surrender their own chances for the good of the pack.

Basically, they're Labrador retrievers without the retrieving.

Race organizers have also learned that course selection is critical.

Fire hydrants must be placed after the timed sections.

Sheep must remain at least two kilometers from the roadway.

Cats are prohibited entirely.

And under no circumstances should anyone throw a tennis ball from the team car.

The yellow jersey is awarded each afternoon to the overall leader.

The green jersey goes to the best sprinter.

The polka-dot jersey goes to the best climber.

And a special jersey is awarded to any rider who completes an entire stage without stopping to sniff something.

So far, it has never been awarded.